I used to be a teacher. I used to be a painting contractor. I used to be a glorified factory worker for a large technology company. I used to be a lot of things. Lately I’m wondering what I am now. Things that seemed to be clear cut are no longer clear anymore. It’s as if I’ve awoken from a long sleep and someone rearranged the furniture while I was unconscious. Everything looks the same but it’s all in the wrong place.
Now I usually love rearranging the furniture. There is something very satisfying about opening up my space and redirecting the traffic patterns throughout my house so that I use my home in a new way. There’s an energy shift in moving furniture, I love the feng shui-ness of it all. So the metaphoric rearranging of my brain, my thoughts, my goals and who exactly I might be is giving me the same boost I get from actually moving a couch across the living room.
Only this time, I’m having a harder time deciding the final pattern… it all seems in flux. But in the spirit of going with the flow, while still maintaining a concrete grasp on reality, I’m drawing and journaling my thoughts. I’ve just completed my second on-line Mandala workshop (check out Julie Gibbons if you’d like to know more… she’s a darling Scottish teacher making magic on the internet) . It’s been inspiring and very satisfying to draw mandalas but I can’t say I’ve reached any clarity of thought. Maybe it’s the circular nature of the mandala… or the zen like meditative state I find myself in while coloring tiny intricate patterns. Maybe it’s digging down into my subconscious and stirring up the silt that’s muddying up the waters of my present. Maybe it’s mind blowing thought porn that has me watching YouTube videos on math and science, spiritual growth and psychology that’s got me lost in the swirling tornado of ideas.
Regardless of what it is… my blog is for sharing art. And yes, ideas too. But until I can focus on those ideas, get a handle on what exactly they are, the art will have to do. Some of my thoughts are too personal to share on a blog… there’s a vulnerable quotient to being so transparent, especially since clarity right now is exactly the issue at hand. Until the dust settles and I can see what the hell is going on, these mandalas seem to be serving as my touchstone. Because right now, it’s as if everytime I look away, someone keeps moving the furniture and my only safe zone is drawing.
Is it possible to be drawing for your life?